Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say, "Congratulations."
But none of them rub your dick and say "Well Done." :roll:
Subject: Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t
Subject:
Now that is funny!
Subject: Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat." He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."
Subject: Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time ?" :wink:
Subject: Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t
:lol:
Subject: Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t
:D
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A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting .... 'What's up?' she asks. 'I think I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband .... The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her 4-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your wardrobe and she's got no clothes on!' The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor. 'You rotten 'Bitch', she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'
Subject: Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t
[align=center]Something for our brains...
[/align]------------------------------------------------------------------- In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb' ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---- Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language. ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---- The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone. ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---- Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury. ------------ -- ------------ --------- -------- Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---- Coca-Cola was originally green. ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---- It is impossible to lick your elbow. ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---- The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) --------- --------- --------- ---- The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400 ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.. ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321 ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----- ------ Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? A. Obsession ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'? A. One thousand ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common? A. All were invented by women. ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year? A. Father's Day ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- - ------ It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon. ------------ ------ At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow! ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ - Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------ YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when.... 1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee 11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.. 14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list ~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself. Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to! Go lick your elbow. Education is the best provision for the journey to old age.
Subject: Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t
Now one for the men..... Sorry ladies :) Men strike back! How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? If she can't afford a washing machine, she will probably never be able to support you. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' allowing them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....' How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, Who do you let in first? The dog, of course : he'll definitely shut up once you let him in. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. Women will never be equal to men until... They walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they're sexy.
Subject:
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin .
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?' The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed 'Give the ballerina a drink!' The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?' Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!' The bartender approached the little drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?' The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'
Subject:
lol
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Why I fired my secretary
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!' and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.' I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember. My kids came bounding downstairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way, Happy Birthday! ' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me?' I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!' We went to lunch, but we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?' I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?' She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner..' After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.' 'Ok.' I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.' And I just sat there... On the couch... Naked.
Subject:
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He
tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? " The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge...Show him your BADGE!
Subject:
The Deaf MAFIA BOOKKEEPER .
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is... The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Jersey !" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger." Don't you just love lawyers .. .. . Page 5 of 10
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