Death Dealer Mercenaries :: The original Death Dealer Mercs

Death Dealer MercenariesGeneral DiscussionJokes and Funny sh*t

#1:  Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Demon Post You have posted in this forum: Tue Aug 11, 2009 7:47 pm

http://www.break.com/usercontent/2009/7/doberman-laser-prank-830999.html

#2:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Metalfiend Post You have posted in this forum: Wed Aug 12, 2009 9:39 am

that was funny but i think i would have been pissed if it was me ,,lol

#3:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Wed Aug 12, 2009 9:46 am

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vm03Dgu_yXA&feature=fvw

#4:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Metalfiend Post You have posted in this forum: Wed Aug 12, 2009 12:28 pm

now that was fuckin hilarious

here look roll up your g-mas sweater she'll never find it

sad thing i have some of those and they don't work at all scam-wow is right

#5:   Author: DDM_Demon Post You have posted in this forum: Wed Aug 12, 2009 2:24 pm

LOL

#6:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Metalfiend Post You have posted in this forum: Thu Aug 13, 2009 12:26 pm

for any harry potter fans

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTHn5oFPmi8&feature=dir

#7:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Fri Aug 14, 2009 3:36 pm

For those that missed Transformers:RotF

http://www.toplessrobot.com/2009/06/bonus_robs_transformers_2_faqs.php?page=1

#8:   Author: DDM_Demon Post You have posted in this forum: Fri Aug 14, 2009 7:54 pm

LMAO....and whats better is when you read the comments ppl made

#9:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_LuGz Post You have posted in this forum: Thu Aug 20, 2009 4:47 pm

He's right though about the first movie. They faught in LA, now how do you cover that up? And how could the military possibly help giant robots? Its as bad as the new GI Joe film, I watched it on the internet, (it sucked!) I'm not paying for that mindless dribble...

I have a contribution for ya: (First time I saw this I was both shocked & awed!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vb3IMTJjzfo

And this Bruno dance on the Tonight Show, first time I saw it, Shocked !!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57z_V_B8u90&feature=related

Have a laugh... Lugz

#10:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Metalfiend Post You have posted in this forum: Sat Aug 22, 2009 12:31 am

this ain't funny or nothin but it does look like a badass movie

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=62235593

#11:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Sat Aug 22, 2009 6:15 am

All along I thought that was the Water Bender. Does look badass, though.

#12:   Author: DDM_Pyromancer Post You have posted in this forum: Sat Aug 22, 2009 8:31 am

DDM_LordShado wrote (View Post): › All along I thought that was the Water Bender. Does look badass, though.


Your thinking of M. Night Shamylans new movie base on the Last Airbender cartoon.

Last Airbender

#13:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Metalfiend Post You have posted in this forum: Sat Aug 22, 2009 8:52 am

i like the last avatar cartoon series might have to see the movie too

#14:   Author: DDM_Pyromancer Post You have posted in this forum: Sat Aug 22, 2009 10:48 am

I havent watched the Airbender Cartoon alot but the ones I have seen were pretty good. What gets me is they are taking a cartoon that is basically for kids and turning it over to Shamylan.... LOL This guy is all kinds of Twisted to start. I dont think if I had a small child I would take him to this movie... LOL

#15:   Author: DDM_Salvatoris Post You have posted in this forum: Sat Aug 22, 2009 11:21 am

This movie is not based on the cartoon by the same name. :/

#16:   Author: DDM_Pyromancer Post You have posted in this forum: Sat Aug 22, 2009 11:36 am

Uhhh Click on the Film Credits at the bottom of the page. It says Based on the Series Avatar the Last Airbender. Not to mention that the Production studio is Nickelodean

#17:   Author: DDM_Salvatoris Post You have posted in this forum: Sat Aug 22, 2009 12:16 pm

I didn't know they were even making that one. I was just talking about the link Metal posted. I didn't see your link to the shamalamadingdong movie... but I do like the cartoons. Smile

#18:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_LuGz Post You have posted in this forum: Sat Aug 22, 2009 3:42 pm

Cool. I liked the "Lady in the Water," bit of a "One-Time" flick though, can't get as much out of it the second time as the first... I mean, you know the secret, so it kind of spoils it for ya.

Lugz

#19:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Sat Aug 22, 2009 8:57 pm

Yea, I was thinking Airbender. And a very good marketing ploy to make a movie called Avatar. Either way, I want to see both.

#20:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Metalfiend Post You have posted in this forum: Sat Aug 22, 2009 11:03 pm

i will see both damnit yes i will

#21:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Sun Aug 23, 2009 2:21 am

I love this old girl. Here's to her and many more like her.



FLOWERING GUM.



Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a

recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester

in a train station in Sydney:



There were protesters on the train platform handing out

pamphlets on the evils of Australia.

I politely declined to take one...

An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and

a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet,

which she politely declined.

The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture

of friendship and in a very soft voice said,

"Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"

The old woman looked up at her and said,

"Honey, my father died in France during World War II,

I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam.

All three died so you could have the right to stand here

and bad mouth our country.

If you touch me again.

I'll stick this umbrella up your arse and open it."

God Bless Australia!!

#22:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Tue Aug 25, 2009 2:25 am

Rolling Eyes oh come on...that was funny surely!!!!! Neutral

#23:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Tue Aug 25, 2009 4:09 am

No, it's about as old as you Razz

#24:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Tue Aug 25, 2009 12:37 pm

this one? Surprised

#25:   Author: DDM_Demon Post You have posted in this forum: Tue Aug 25, 2009 12:59 pm

lol... bummer

#26:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_LuGz Post You have posted in this forum: Wed Aug 26, 2009 12:55 pm

"Besides the pain, I can't have sex with my wife." -There sounds like there could be a joke there, I just can't quite figure out what it is. Razz

#27:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Metalfiend Post You have posted in this forum: Wed Aug 26, 2009 3:47 pm

Besides the pain, I can't have sex with my wife." -There sounds like there could be a joke there, I just can't quite figure out what it is





i think it's something like " which is good cause she is an even bigger pain "

#28:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Wed Aug 26, 2009 4:40 pm

I think it is along the lines of "Take my wife....please"

#29:   Author: Viper_Kilo Post You have posted in this forum: Wed Aug 26, 2009 5:02 pm

Image 103


make a great signature

#30:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Thu Aug 27, 2009 1:09 pm

Very Happy
Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for A Belgian beer,then on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry or A Turkish kebab,to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

and......
Only in Australia ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Australia ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Australia ...do people order double cheeseburgers,large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Australia ... do banks leave both doors wide open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Australia ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

NOT TO MENTION.....
58 Aussies are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Aussies have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
8 Aussies had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

and finally.........

In 2000 eight Aussies cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

#31:   Author: DDM_Salvatoris Post You have posted in this forum: Thu Aug 27, 2009 2:36 pm

That's the same map we had in our history books. Wink

#32:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Thu Aug 27, 2009 6:49 pm

LOL, thats some funny sheot, ya poofta.

#33:   Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Thu Aug 27, 2009 11:28 pm

DDM_Salvatoris wrote (View Post): › That's the same map we had in our history books. Wink


ahhh you must have an earlier version, Steve Irwin and stingrays are in the same region in this one. Unless you were reading history books by Nostradamus. I live between the sharks with lazers and the convicts Laughing

#34:   Author: DDM_Salvatoris Post You have posted in this forum: Fri Aug 28, 2009 5:57 am

Yeah, it's slightly different. Our old map had several mentions of Crocodile Dundee and no Steve Irwin. Razz

#35:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Mon Aug 31, 2009 1:25 pm

lol..... how true is that.... all you moms and wives out there need to get a paint pen and put it on straight away. Smile

#36:   Author: DDM_Demon Post You have posted in this forum: Mon Aug 31, 2009 9:21 pm

lol

#37:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Sat Sep 05, 2009 3:25 pm

ONE FOR THE LADY'S Razz



ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND:

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
;
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Jim


EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Terri was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

#38:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Sat Sep 05, 2009 4:19 pm

LOL, pretty good Smile

#39:   Author: DDM_Cypher Post You have posted in this forum: Sun Sep 06, 2009 2:22 am

OH HELL@!! LOL

The women in my house-hold started to tell me to sleep well...and soundly....should I worry?

#40:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Sun Sep 06, 2009 5:01 am

No, I think that means to snore...

#41:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_LuGz Post You have posted in this forum: Mon Sep 07, 2009 3:26 pm

Check it, I like the bit at the end:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhQVSyAAH0A

#42:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_LuGz Post You have posted in this forum: Fri Sep 11, 2009 2:18 pm

"Sniper" - A lesson on the origins of this word. Funny? -Yes... & much more!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43Qm5H_8wL0&feature=channel

#43:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Metalfiend Post You have posted in this forum: Fri Sep 11, 2009 2:51 pm

yowza think i might have to subscribe to that,,,mmm hmm

#44:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Fri Sep 11, 2009 3:29 pm

I didn't hear a single thing she was saying...

#45:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Metalfiend Post You have posted in this forum: Sat Sep 12, 2009 3:40 am

oh was she talkin,,,huh i'll have to watch it again just to see

#46:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Sun Sep 13, 2009 2:48 am

DDM_LuGz wrote (View Post): › Check it, I like the bit at the end:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhQVSyAAH0A



Shado it doesn't work on Pooftas!!! SmileSmileSmile

#47:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Sun Sep 13, 2009 5:18 am

I wasn't gonna say anything and see if you heard your nickname called Wink

#48:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Tue Sep 15, 2009 1:32 am

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. "

2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of
them new fangled warshin ' machines!"

1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no pecker.

#49:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Sat Sep 19, 2009 5:52 am

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson."

#50:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Sat Sep 19, 2009 5:55 am

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals!

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"

#51:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Sat Sep 19, 2009 10:07 am

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,

Waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. the doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did.. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very Professional and detailed examination. motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,


'No wonder this baby is underweight.

'You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said,'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.

#52:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Sun Sep 20, 2009 1:37 am

The Knob

If this doesn't make you laugh, you're dead!!!!

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a
new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small
knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and
could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the
effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman
wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob,
and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young
looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with
two problems.


'All these years, everything has been working just
fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and
I've always loved the results. But now I've
developed two annoying problems: First, I have these
terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid
of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those
aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in
asking about the goatee.'

#53:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Sun Sep 20, 2009 1:44 am

Subject: Amazing Words








Did You Know?


That the words race car spelled backward says race car.

That eat is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells it's past tense; ate.
And

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in " illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells out:

"Fuck off and go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid producing, non-English speaking cocksuckers and take those hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat fucking, smelly rag headed bastards with you."

How weird is that? Shocked

Disclaimer - the views represented in the above post do not necessarily reflect those of the poster.... I have nothing against wearing a towel on my head and goats.

#54:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Sun Sep 20, 2009 1:52 am

Oldy but a goody... Smile





A little girl on a plane



A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said



"Lets talk....I've heard that flights go much quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow

passengers.



The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger...........

"what would you like to talk about?"



"OH, I do not know" said the stranger...How about Nuclear Power? and he smiles.



OK she repied, "that would be an interesting topic."

But first let me ask you a question..................... a horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff,

yet a deer excretes little pellets

a cow turns out a flat patty

and a horse produces clumps of dried grass........Why is this so????????



The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girls intelligence thinks about it and says

"HHHHHMMMMmmmm!!! I have no idea"



to which the little girl replies



"Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you dont know Shit"?

#55:   Author: DDM_Demon Post You have posted in this forum: Sun Sep 20, 2009 7:25 pm

LMAO keep em come'n

#56:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Sat Oct 17, 2009 1:09 pm

A little Aussie boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can You tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
Coupla blocks and turn to your right."

Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get
To Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't
Even know the way to the f*#*#g Post Office, ya wanker"

Aussie kids.... got to love em. Very Happy

#57:   Author: DDM_Salvatoris Post You have posted in this forum: Sat Oct 17, 2009 8:07 pm

great one 6 Smile

#58:   Author: DDM_Demon Post You have posted in this forum: Sat Oct 17, 2009 8:28 pm

lmao

#59:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Sun Oct 18, 2009 12:03 pm

The 1st Affair



A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'





The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'




The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'




The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'




The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'




The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

#60:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Sun Oct 18, 2009 12:05 pm

One for the ladies..... Laughing


He Said To Me!

He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me . . ...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

He said to me.. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time


He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

He said..What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.



He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

#61:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Sun Oct 18, 2009 12:05 pm

Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say, "Congratulations."





But none of them rub your dick and say "Well Done." Rolling Eyes

#62:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Sun Oct 18, 2009 5:13 pm

Now that is funny!

#63:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Thu Nov 05, 2009 10:41 pm

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

#64:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Fri Nov 06, 2009 11:47 am

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,

how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time ?"
Wink

#65:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_LuGz Post You have posted in this forum: Fri Nov 06, 2009 2:13 pm

Laughing

#66:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Fri Nov 06, 2009 2:39 pm

Very Happy

#67:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Fri Nov 06, 2009 6:46 pm

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting ....
'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband ....

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her 4-year-old son comes up and says,

'Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your wardrobe and she's got no clothes on!'

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten 'Bitch', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

#68:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Fri Nov 06, 2009 8:43 pm

[align=center]Something for our brains...
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the
1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed
to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule
of thumb'
------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
Many years ago in
Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen
Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .and thus, the word GOLF entered
into the English language.
------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
The first couple to
be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma
Flintstone.
------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
Every day more money
is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.
Treasury.
------------
-- ------------ --------- --------
Men can read smaller
print than women can; women can hear better.
------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
Coca-Cola was
originally green.
------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
It is impossible to lick
your elbow.
------------
--------- --------- --------- ----
The percentage of
Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get
this...)
--------- --------- --------- ----
The percentage of
North America that is wilderness: 38%
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
The cost of raising
a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:
$ 16,400
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Intelligent people
have more zinc and copper in their hair..
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Each king in a deck
of playing cards represents a great king from history:


Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander,
the Great

Diamonds - Julius
Caesar
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
111,111,111 x
111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
If a statue in the
park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air,
the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died
of natural causes
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- -----
------
Q. Most boat owners
name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
requested?

A.
Obsession
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
Q.. If you were to
spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter 'A'?

A. One
thousand
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
Q. What do
bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser
printers have in common?

A. All were invented
by women.
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
Q. What is the only
food that doesn't spoil?

A.
Honey
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
Q. Which day are
there more collect calls than any other day of the
year?

A. Father's
Day
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
-
------
It was the accepted
practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the
wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with
all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because
their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the
honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
------------
------
At least 75% of
people who read this will try to lick their
elbow!
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
-
Don't delete this
just because it looks weird.

Believe it or not, you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee
taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the
first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This
is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when....

1. You accidentally
enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't
played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list
of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.

4. You e-mail the
person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for
not staying in touch with friends and family is that they
don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in
your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is
home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial
on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house
without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first
20 or 30 years of your life, is now a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in
the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee

11. You start
tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading
this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you
know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message..

14. You are too busy
to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually
scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list

~~~~~~~~~~~AND
FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

NOW U R LAUGHING at
yourself.

Go on, forward this
to your friends. You know you want to! Go lick your
elbow.


Education is the best provision for the journey to old age.
[/align]

#69:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_LuGz Post You have posted in this forum: Fri Nov 06, 2009 9:56 pm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GoCqvnJFUUA&feature=related

#70:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Tue Nov 10, 2009 11:47 am

DDM_Black6 wrote (View Post): › One for the ladies..... Laughing


He Said To Me!

He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me . . ...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

He said to me.. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time


He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

He said..What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.



He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.



Now one for the men..... Sorry ladies Smile

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
If she can't afford a washing machine, she will probably never be able to support you.


Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' allowing them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door,

Who do you let in first?
The dog, of course : he'll definitely shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until...
They walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they're sexy.

#71:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Tue Nov 10, 2009 3:51 pm

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin .

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed 'Give the ballerina a drink!'

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

The bartender approached the little drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'

The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'

#72:   Author: DDM_Demon Post You have posted in this forum: Wed Nov 11, 2009 9:02 am

lol

#73:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Wed Nov 11, 2009 3:47 pm

Why I fired my secretary


Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and
say,
'Happy Birthday!'
and possibly have a small present
for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone 'Happy Birthday.'

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding downstairs to
breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way,
Happy Birthday! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had
remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
it's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me?'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!'

We went to lunch,
but we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
it's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to
the office,
Do We?'

I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner..'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
'Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying

a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday.'


And I just sat there...


On the couch...


Naked.

#74:   Author: DDM_Demon Post You have posted in this forum: Wed Nov 11, 2009 6:29 pm

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He
tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he
points out the location.


The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of
the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he
removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge?
This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No
questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you
understand? "


The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.


A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA
officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis
bull......




With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems
likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is
clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and
yells at the top of his lungs.....


"Your badge...Show him your BADGE!

#75:   Author: DDM_Demon Post You have posted in this forum: Tue Nov 17, 2009 3:28 pm

The Deaf MAFIA BOOKKEEPER .
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would
not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court..

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is...

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win!
The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Jersey !"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers .. .. .

#76:   Author: Viper_Kilo Post You have posted in this forum: Sat Dec 12, 2009 6:51 pm

you know... i really dont get lordshado, after every thing weve been through, he still doesnt give me respect...

for all the times ive defended his honor fo all things.

get this... once some one told me shado could eat a shit sandwich.. i was like
NO!!


LordShado doesnt like bread.












(much love shady, all for good laugh XDD)

#77:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Sat Dec 12, 2009 9:36 pm

No, I don't like bread. I usually eat it with hair!

#78:   Author: DDM_Demon Post You have posted in this forum: Mon Dec 14, 2009 10:59 am

Toss my salad...bitch! LOL

#79:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Sun Dec 20, 2009 2:05 am

Women Are Evil By Nature

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
Hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes.. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
Forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth

And allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered,
"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

#80:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Sun Dec 20, 2009 2:06 am

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT
(This one is too funny to not forward.)
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and said....
'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines when I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch'

#81:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Sun Dec 20, 2009 2:10 am

Wink

#82:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Sun Dec 20, 2009 5:15 am

That last one is my knew Christmas joke. My other one was getting old about a hat, a coat and piece of ass.

#83:   Author: DDM_Demon Post You have posted in this forum: Sun Dec 20, 2009 4:54 pm

share the full joke shady

#84:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Sun Dec 20, 2009 5:32 pm

No way, jose!

#85:   Author: DDM_Demon Post You have posted in this forum: Sun Dec 20, 2009 6:19 pm

lol

#86:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Sat Jan 30, 2010 2:41 pm

SMART ARSED ANSWERS

The last one is a worthy winner.


6th Place

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.









--------------------------------------------------------------------------------





5th Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the Qantas departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her

Without blinking an eyelid she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






4th Place

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a Woolworth's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






3rd Place

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the policeman said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






2nd Place

A semi-trailer driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car came up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab

And said to the driver,

'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008

A teacher at a TAFE College reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

#87:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Tue Feb 02, 2010 11:43 am

http://www.adelaidenow.com.au/news/national/banker-busted-on-tv-looking-at-naked-photos/story-e6frea8c-1225826052925
this is funny lol Smile

#88:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Tue Feb 02, 2010 3:00 pm

Buahahahha

Reminds me of this one:

http://www.boingboing.net/2004/08/27/accidental-real-esta.html

#89:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Thu Feb 25, 2010 2:57 am

One of my favourites, coz my name is John and I would prolly say something similar... Smile

#90:   Author: Viper_Kilo Post You have posted in this forum: Fri Feb 26, 2010 5:09 am

so a girl puts in the singles ads

"Wanted, a guy who wont beat me, wont run away with my best friend and is good in bed"

a few days later her door bell rings. out side is an armless legless man responding to her ad, he says calmly. "as you can see i have no arms, so i cant possbly hit you, and i have no legs, so i cant possibly run away-"

the woman quickly interupts him "but how good are you in bed?"

the man simply responds...

"i rang the door bell didnt i?"

#91:   Author: DDM_Demon Post You have posted in this forum: Fri Feb 26, 2010 7:00 am

LOL...thats funny

#92:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Sat Feb 27, 2010 10:47 am

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident off the coast of Maine, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced state troopers.

"We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the troopers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" the husband shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen faced husband said, "Give me the bad news first."

The second trooper said, "I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"Oh my god!" exclaimed the husband.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What’s the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound

snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

#93:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Wed Mar 03, 2010 2:11 am

Razz


At a luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
fuck or drown

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Kiwi buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when
they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed
exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

Try again. he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.


No, she says, they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

#94:   Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Wed Mar 03, 2010 2:12 am

DDM_LordShado wrote (View Post): › The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident off the coast of Maine, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced state troopers.

"We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the troopers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" the husband shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen faced husband said, "Give me the bad news first."

The second trooper said, "I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"Oh my god!" exclaimed the husband.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What’s the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound

snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

#95:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Wed Mar 03, 2010 2:29 am

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to
the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment
next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation
with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that
she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain
eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and
leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best
feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be
your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these
breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is
firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said
you heard someone coming.... that was me..

#96:   Author: DDM_Demon Post You have posted in this forum: Thu Mar 04, 2010 9:05 am

LMAO.......damn ya'll crack me up

#97:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Thu Mar 04, 2010 2:41 pm

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads
of lettuce.

The man persists and asks to see the manager.

The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some asshole
wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he
turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And
this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their
feet here. Where are you from, son?'

' Canada , sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada .'

'No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

#98:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Wed Mar 17, 2010 3:09 am

Marriage (Part I )
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:


'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'

His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************************
Marriage (Part II)


Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)


*****************************************

Marriage (Part III)


Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the
breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no
good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband
says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'

'In bed this early, doing what?'

'Getting a second opinion!'

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

*****************************************

Marriage (Part IV)


A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to
go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

*****************************************

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote
on a piece
of paper,'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she
would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him
when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00
AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

*****************************************
God may have created man before woman, but there
is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

************** ***************************
Send this to smart women who need a laugh and to men you think can
handle it.

#99:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Wed Mar 17, 2010 3:31 am

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a law man.
He grew up big, 6' 2'', and strong as a longhorn and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle
cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally became of age he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sherriff's Department.

After a big mess of tests and interviews the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.

The Chief Deputy says: "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good. But we have what you call an 'attitude suitability test' that you
must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge son."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot:

six politicians
six illegal aliens,
six lawyers,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude son," says the Chief Deputy.
"When can you start?"

#100:   Author: DDM_Demon Post You have posted in this forum: Wed Mar 17, 2010 2:06 pm

LMAO..........why the rabbit

#101:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Fri Mar 26, 2010 10:09 pm

OLDY BUT A GOODY..... Smile






BE SURE AND DO THE MATH BEFORE LOOKING AT THE LIST OF MOVIES.


Try this test. Scroll down and do the quiz as it instructs and find out what movie is your all time favorite. It really works and will predict your all time favorite movie ! ! ! ...Don't ask me how ...just do the math quiz then scroll down and see it it worked for you.

This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how.

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.

Mine was "Gone With The Wind" - exactly right! ! ! So be honest, and do it before you scroll down to see the list below. It's cool, easy and it works.


Now look up your number in the list below...






























1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story

Freak'n Amazing, isn't it ? ! ? ! ?

#102:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Sat Mar 27, 2010 3:17 am

Hospital visit


Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that
done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born...

Couldn't walk for a year...."

#103:   Author: DDM_Demon Post You have posted in this forum: Fri Apr 09, 2010 4:26 pm

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the
books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy
a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when
there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to
the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of
bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's
left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question . "We save it and send it back
to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free
package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save
all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about
once a year they send us a complete dick."=

#104:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Fri Apr 09, 2010 6:45 pm

LMFAO! Yep!

#105:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Metalfiend Post You have posted in this forum: Thu Apr 15, 2010 3:39 am

A guy walks into a bar ,,,oh hell you can add the rest

#106:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Thu Apr 15, 2010 3:31 pm

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You
Know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the fuck away from me."

#107:   Author: DDM_Demon Post You have posted in this forum: Sun May 16, 2010 9:18 am

Drinking with a Texas Girl

A Mexican,an Arab, and a Texas girl are in the same
bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his
glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'InMexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't
need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab,obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a muslim!),
throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots
the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with
the same one twice either.'

The Texas girl,cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer,downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.

Catching her glass,setting it on the bar, and calling
for a refill,she says,'In Texas,we have so many
illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

God Bless
TEXAS!!!

#108:   Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Mon May 17, 2010 1:57 am

DDM_Demon wrote (View Post): › Drinking with a Texas Girl

A Mexican,an Arab, and a Texas girl are in the same
bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his
glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'InMexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't
need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab,obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a muslim!),
throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots
the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with
the same one twice either.'

The Texas girl,cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer,downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.

Catching her glass,setting it on the bar, and calling
for a refill,she says,'In Texas,we have so many
illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

God Bless
TEXAS!!!


Now thats a redneck for you... Smile

#109:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Salvatoris Post You have posted in this forum: Mon May 17, 2010 1:01 pm

Loot Hoarders.... I bet some of you still have char carvings in you bag. Wink


#110:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Mon May 31, 2010 6:55 am

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens

#111:   Author: Viper_Kilo Post You have posted in this forum: Mon May 31, 2010 1:30 pm

you wanna funny joke?
.
.
well do ya?
.
.
.
.
you sure?
.
.
.
.
.
ill give you a funny joke
.
.
.
.
ill give you a funny ass joke
.
.
.
i swear
.
.
youll be rofl'ing
.
.
.
.
for hours dawg
.
.
.
.
.
ok im gonna tell ya
.
.
.
.
.
right now i swear
.
.
.
.
.
.
its reeeealy funny
.
.
.
.
.
you ready?
.
.
.
.
.
are you sure?
.
.
.
.
i dont think youre ready
.
.
.
.
.
not at all
.
.
.
.
you know what now im not gonna tell you
.
.
.
.
just kidding
.
.
.
.
<3
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
fun right Very Happy
.
.
.
.
.
.
here it is
.
.
.
.
.
go look in mirror











hi-fuckin-larious

#112:   Author: DDM_Demon Post You have posted in this forum: Mon May 31, 2010 4:34 pm

lmao ..... I saw shady....... funny as hell....but kinda scary

#113:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Tue Jun 01, 2010 4:35 pm

An elderly couple are attending church services.

About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says, " I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back , " Put a new battery in your hearing aid.."

#114:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Mon Jun 07, 2010 12:56 am

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get
in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she
loves to browse.


Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from
the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Naragon,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both
of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.. Samuel,
are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee
to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor
that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose
time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area..

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the
' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.



Ok all you wannabe legends.... how many you think you can do at Con this year...?????


Or we should put up a prize for the person who can or has attempted the most by say Xmas ?

Thoughts, opinions?
I really want to give some of these a go.
Smile

#115:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Mon Jun 07, 2010 12:58 am

Razz

#116:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Sun Jun 13, 2010 4:18 pm

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, 'Will you marry me?'

The girl said, 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and bundy and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

#117:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Mon Aug 09, 2010 5:45 pm

Subject: An Alert for Older Men

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc.

This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores. Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc. So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.

(The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

#118:   Author: Viper_Kilo Post You have posted in this forum: Mon Aug 09, 2010 7:32 pm

Very Happy

#119:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Wed Sep 01, 2010 11:05 pm

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.




Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.....




Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'




The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.

#120:   Author: DDM_Auger Post You have posted in this forum: Fri Sep 03, 2010 8:38 pm

DDM_LordShado wrote (View Post): › A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You
Know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the fuck away from me."


ROFLMMFAO!!!
I spit valuable whiskey and coke all over the place on this one!!
An absolute hit at work with a cool crowd, too.
*evil laughter*

#121:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Sun Sep 05, 2010 6:15 am

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic bags behind her. One of the bags had ripped and every so often a $20 bill would fall out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag".

"Oh, my gracious", exclaimed the little old lady, "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thank you very much for telling me".

"Well now, not so fast", says the cop. "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it did you?"

"Oh no, never!” replied the little old lady. "You see officer; my back yard is right next to a baseball field parking lot. On game days a lot of fans come to the fence and pee into my back yard, which kills the flowers I've worked so hard to grow. So I began standing behind the hole in the fence with my hedge clippers and each time one of those men sticks his thingy through the fence, I say, "$20 or off it comes".

"That seems only fair to me. "So Good Luck to you. Oh by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know, not everyone pays."

#122:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Tue Sep 07, 2010 4:06 am

Disability.... that was funny lol


HOW TO START A FIGHT


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery

plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her

a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,"Well, you still

haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want

to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your

final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.The waiter, for some reason, took

my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion,

and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he

sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took

to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear

he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating

that long?"
And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me

that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take

care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. It was always something more

important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily

snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for

a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and

when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish

cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's

on TV?" I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and

slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and

proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing

50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and then I

discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the

house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my

wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather

out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband

is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

_______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my

age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the

woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly

silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and

she processed my Social Security application..When I got home, I excitedly told

my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...She said, 'You should

have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy

with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really

need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

#123:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Dragonlord Post You have posted in this forum: Fri Sep 10, 2010 6:16 pm

Came across this one on the LOTRO EU forums a while back.
And since we are trying to revive the game on our end again this one came to mind again.
Sure as hell got me laughing.

Ventertainment - Nerd Confusion 3: The Ring
Nerds totally confused on vent.

#124:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Sat Aug 20, 2011 5:04 am

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.

The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the Examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger

under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Aha!" mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the

doctor again, reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the

midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around

and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"

The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it What Did you do?"

The doctor replied......."I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.

#125:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Mon Aug 29, 2011 6:49 pm

A bakery owner hires a young female assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day, a young man enters the store, glances at the attractive assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread, please", the man says. The cute little assistant nods, and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is "having company for dinner." As the assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips, she is tired, irritated, and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but I've got to admit it's quivering a little."

#126:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Mon Aug 29, 2011 6:50 pm

I went fishing this morning, but after a short
time I ran out of worms. Then, out of the
corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with
a frog in his mouth.

"Frogs are good bass bait," I thought to myself.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog
in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head,
took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Just then, I realized I had a problem: how was I
going to release the snake without getting bit?

So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured
a little whiskey in its mouth. The snake's eyes rolled
back and he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and
carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot. There was that
same snake with two more frogs in its mouth.

#127:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Sat Sep 03, 2011 6:25 am

My girlfriend says to me the other night, "How come we don't make love like they do in the movies?”

So I bent her over the table, slapped her on each ass cheek a dozen times, grabbed her by the hair and yanked her neck back so she’d be forced to watch me jackhammer her from behind, then flipped her over and climaxed all over her face....

Turns out we don't watch the same movies.

#128:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Sat Sep 17, 2011 3:08 am

If you know anyone from new zealand you'll know that they pronounce six as sux and fish n chips as fush n chups... The allblacks are their national rugby team...
The last reference to aussies is pretty accurate though.... Smile Smile Smile


Condom factory burns down in New Zealand :

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.



Hillen, its the hilth Munister here.
Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergincy!!
I've jist received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklind hes burned to the ground.
It is istimated that the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week.


PM: Shut !!
The economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. W' ill be ruined.


Hilth Munister: We're going to hef to shup some in from Brutain?

PM: No chence. The Poms will have a field day on thus one.

Hilth Munister: What about Australia ?

PM: I'll call Joolia Gizzard. Tell her we need one million condoms, ten enches long and eight enches thuck.. That way they'll continue to respect the "all blacks".

Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes that arrived at the Pist Office.
She finds one million condoms. 10 enches long, 8 enches thuck, all coloured green and gold with small writing on each one.

MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM




Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie Oi Oi Oi.

#129:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Sat Sep 24, 2011 4:46 pm

Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.
Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance.
He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father.
Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father!
Let's swim closer!"
When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces?
That will be sweet revenge" And the female agreed to this.
So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship.
The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.
The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.
The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea.
Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!"
That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and Said, "Oh no........
I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen.


Bdump dump bump...

#130:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Black6 Post You have posted in this forum: Fri Sep 30, 2011 1:01 am

Image 149

#131:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Wed Oct 05, 2011 2:37 am

http://t.co/cz0TdDFZ

Alan! Alan! Alan!

#132:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Wed Oct 05, 2011 2:41 am

Perception is everything!

http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=30220

#133:   Author: DDM_LordShado Post You have posted in this forum: Sat Nov 19, 2011 6:18 pm

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
-----------------------------------------------------------
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did....
she's 18, and her name is Lucy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!"
and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same caliber."
-----------------------------------------------------------
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick It's great though. It provides me with everything i need -
KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?
17% said yes;
11% said No;
72% said "I am not understanding the question please.".
-----------------------------------------------------------
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me
because she can't afford batteries!
-------------------------------------------------------------
A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

#134:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: Scientist Post You have posted in this forum: Wed Jan 04, 2012 8:14 am

On my 8th birthday my uncle has gave me a comic book, that was full with funny short jokes, i like it very much and i read that comic book yet, when i become sad. It gives me much fun.

#135:   Author: Vorianathamas Post You have posted in this forum: Wed Jul 11, 2012 10:04 pm

An airplane crashed on the US/Canadian Border. A man asked one of the rescue workers where they buried the survivors. Can you guess where?

#136:   Author: Kottonmouth Post You have posted in this forum: Wed Jul 11, 2012 10:06 pm

In the ground!

#137:   Author: Vorianathamas Post You have posted in this forum: Wed Jul 11, 2012 10:14 pm

YOU DONT BURY SURVIVORS YE GIT

#138:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: Kottonmouth Post You have posted in this forum: Wed Jul 11, 2012 10:25 pm

Welp. My Bad. Guess I had one too many tonight!


#139:   Author: Vorianathamas Post You have posted in this forum: Wed Jul 11, 2012 10:31 pm


#140:   Author: Kottonmouth Post You have posted in this forum: Wed Jul 11, 2012 11:02 pm

DDM_LordShado wrote (View Post): › I went fishing this morning, but after a short
time I ran out of worms. Then, out of the
corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with
a frog in his mouth.

"Frogs are good bass bait," I thought to myself.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog
in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head,
took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Just then, I realized I had a problem: how was I
going to release the snake without getting bit?

So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured
a little whiskey in its mouth. The snake's eyes rolled
back and he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and
carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot. There was that
same snake with two more frogs in its mouth.


You might not have known... but we just became best friends.

#141:   Author: DDM_LordSoth Post You have posted in this forum: Thu Jul 12, 2012 8:55 am

Little Timmy is 4 years old. He lives with his mother and Great-Great Grandmother. Timmy's mom takes care of Grandma because she is getting up in the years and can't live alone.

One day as Timmy's mom is washing dishes, Timmy runs into the kitchen out of breath and very upset....

"MOM! MOM! Grandma's shrimp are hanging out!!"

Timmy's mother is confused but follows Timmy into the living room to investigate. There on the couch Great-Great Grandma is sitting there with her panties around her ankles, her skirt hiked up and everything showing to the world. Timmy's mom realizes this is a moment where she has to be an adult and be honest with her son...

"Timmy....those aren't Grandma's shrimp....that's Grandma's vagina....you see........."

Before she could finish what she was saying Timmy interupted...

"Well whatever you call it...it tastes like shrimp!!!"

#142:  Re: Jokes and Funny sh*t Author: DDM_Rammstein Post You have posted in this forum: Mon Aug 13, 2012 8:17 pm

Death Dealer MercenariesGeneral DiscussionJokes and Funny sh*t


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